Twelve patterns of coercive control
These categories overlap. They are not a checklist or a test — they are ways of recognising a pattern. A controlling person may combine small rules, threats, kindness, humiliation, monitoring, and isolation so that daily life becomes organised around keeping them calm or avoiding consequences.
You do not have to prove that every example below happened to you for your experience to matter. Australian Institute of Health and Welfare
Isolation & Estrangement
Being stopped from seeing friends or family, told nobody else cares about you, having your phone taken or destroyed, or being prevented from working or studying. It can also mean being kept from doctors, medication, or private time with visitors. In elder-abuse settings, a caregiver refusing to let visitors speak to the person alone is a recognised warning sign.
In a high-control group, it can take the form of being taught to distrust critics and former members, or fearing you will lose your entire community if you question or leave. Isolation removes practical support and perspective — strong social relationships are consistently associated with better health outcomes.
Sources: Australian Institute of Health and Welfare · JUNO Women's Aid · Holt-Lunstad et al.
Financial / Economic Abuse
Being denied access to a bank account, made to account for every purchase, having wages taken, or given an allowance used to control rather than a mutually agreed budget. It can also include debt taken out in your name, pressure to sell assets, or interference with benefits and child support.
For an older person, this can include misuse of an enduring power of attorney or unexplained changes to banking arrangements. Without money, credit, or savings, leaving or rebuilding can feel impossible — coerced debt can damage credit for years.
Sources: Surviving Economic Abuse · Centre for Survivor Agency and Justice · Australian Institute of Family Studies
Surveillance & Monitoring
Someone reading your texts or emails, demanding passwords, forcing calls onto speakerphone, or interrogating you about where you have been. It can also involve GPS tracking, spyware, hidden cameras, or smart-home devices used to lock doors or trigger alarms.
In high-control groups, surveillance may be social rather than digital — buddy systems, pressure to report on other members, or compulsory confession. Being watched can produce hypervigilance, panic, and sleep loss; research with stalking victims found high rates of PTSD, depression, and anxiety.
Sources: NSW Government · eSafety guide · SmartSafe Project
Intimidation & Threats
Threats to hurt you, your children, relatives, or pets; punching walls, smashing property, or driving dangerously so you feel you must constantly anticipate their reaction. Threats can be indirect — threatening suicide if you leave, or to report you to immigration or child-protection authorities.
Threats to animals can be a powerful means of control: in one refuge study many participants believed pets had been used against them, and some delayed seeking refuge out of fear for their animals. Coercive control can precede serious violence even without a prior physical-violence report.
Sources: WA Government · study of companion-animal abuse · Refuge
Degradation & Humiliation
Constant insults, name-calling, being told nobody else would want you, or being criticised for your appearance or intelligence in front of others. It may also include public shaming or being mocked for disability, identity, culture, faith, sexuality, or gender.
In a group, humiliation can be built into public confession or punishment, or a culture where a leader defines members as impure or unworthy. A systematic review of verbal abuse found links with depression, suicidality, and low self-esteem.
Sources: Women's Aid · Words Matter review
Gaslighting & Reality Distortion
Denying events that happened, hiding or moving things and calling you forgetful, or repeatedly telling you that you are “too sensitive,” unstable, or delusional. It can also involve making dishonest claims about your mental health or parenting to courts and professionals.
This is sometimes called systems gaslighting or legal abuse. Effects can include confusion, self-doubt, and a feeling that you cannot trust your own mind — those responses are consequences of sustained manipulation, not evidence of unreliability.
Sources: SafeLives · gaslighting research review · post-separation abuse review
Sexual & Reproductive Coercion
Being pressured, worn down, or frightened into sexual activity — through persistent demands, fear built from an earlier outburst, or sex when you are asleep or intoxicated. Reproductive coercion includes hiding or destroying contraception, or pressuring you to become or stay pregnant.
No one owes sex because they are in a relationship, married, or afraid of the consequences of refusing. Sexual violence severity has been found to predict PTSD symptoms independently of physical violence severity.
Sources: DomesticShelters · WomensLaw · Bennice et al.
Physical Restriction & Deprivation
Blocking a doorway, taking keys or mobility aids, locking you in or out, or making you beg for food, money, medication, or bathroom access. Sleep deprivation may take the form of all-night arguments, wake-ups, or removing bedding.
High-control groups may regulate diet, fasting, or access to treatment to produce dependence and obedience. Withholding vital medication can worsen illness and may lead to hospitalisation.
Sources: NSW Government · Worcester sleep-deprivation study · BITE Model
Cultural, Spiritual & Religious Coercion
Quoting scripture to demand obedience, using faith to excuse abuse, or pressuring you to hide or reject your culture, language, sexuality, or gender identity. It may include dowry-related punishment, forced marriage, or confiscating a passport.
In high-control groups, leaders may control information or describe doctrine as beyond challenge, requiring members to reinterpret their own experiences to fit the group’s account. Spiritual abuse is associated with negative emotional and trauma-related impacts.
Sources: WomensLaw · Lifton criteria · Australian Institute of Family Studies
Child-Related Control
Threats to take the children, using the children to spy on you, or trying to block their contact with you — before or after separation. It can also mean pursuing court applications mainly to retaliate, or refusing consent for a child’s health care.
These tactics can make a parent feel powerless and frightened for their child’s safety. Separation combined with a highly controlling perpetrator was associated in one study with substantially higher risk — threats involving children should always be taken seriously.
Sources: Legal Abuse Scale study · post-separation abuse review · NSW Government
Legal & Systems Abuse
Using police, courts, immigration, or child protection to intimidate, discredit, or exhaust you — threats to bankrupt you through court, repeated baseless applications, or false reports of child abuse.
If you have ever been misidentified as the person using violence, that does not erase your experience; research documents this happening to marginalised survivors in particular. Legal abuse is associated with psychological hardship and financial strain that can interfere with recovery.
Sources: Australian Parliament inquiry · British Journal of Criminology · Incredible Women study
Physical Violence & Threats of Physical Harm
Hitting, kicking, restraining, or using a weapon to frighten and control you. This often sits within a longer pattern of coercion rather than appearing as an isolated problem.
Non-fatal strangulation (“choking”) is especially serious, whether or not there are visible marks — it was associated in one study with sharply increased odds of attempted and completed homicide. If this has happened to you, seek urgent medical attention even without a visible injury.
Sources: NSW Government · Glass et al. · post-separation abuse review
This page condenses a fuller, more detailed guide. If you would like the complete version with additional context, see About & sourcing.